I Used To … But Now

There is something about getting older that is so freeing. It’s not that I think I have “arrived”, but there is a quiet confidence and contentment that comes from having lived this long, and in looking back and realizing that many things have been accomplished. It’s like looking back down the trail of a mountain you’ve been climbing, seeing the winding rocky path zigzag down and out of sight, and thinking … “Wow, I’ve come a long way! I did this!”

It’s worth celebrating.

Today I came across some lines I wrote in my 40’s. Some of them might still be true, but most I’d amend to reflect how I’ve grown into my 50’s. For example, the first line I used to be playful but now I’m grown up I would amend to say, I used to be playful but then I grew up, and now I am goofy with my grandchildren. Sometimes in life, things come full circle.

Here’s where I stood in my 40’s, with the amendments of my 50’s tacked on:

 

I used to be playful but then I grew up, and now I am goofy with my grandchildren

I used to observe but then I spilled, and now I observe to serve

I used to be a child but then I wished for childhood, and now I enter childhood on a whim

I used to have a good memory but then I was happy, and now I keep the joy

I used to live in my imagination but then I couldn’t always get there, and now I go when I want

I used to obey my mother but then I asked why, and now I think for myself

I used to think I was better but then I knew I was not, and now I have compassion

I used to read to my brothers but then I read to myself, and now I read for myself

I used to dream but then I wished, and now I see what could be

I used to be afraid but then I knew, and now I go anyway

I used to wonder but then I searched, and now I choose what to know

I used to shun beans but then I ate them, and now I choose not to have them

I used to think she’d kill me but then I knew it was me, and now I’m strong

I used to not be good enough but then I thought I was, and now I know I always have been

I used to hesitate but then I waited, and now I listen first

I used to tell but then I asked, and now I listen to hear

I used to feel but then I let myself feel, and now I know where feeling will take me 

I used to giggle but then I laughed, and now I burst into unladylike guffaws

I used to be optimistic but then I didn’t know, and now I trust

I used to have opinions but then I stated them, and now I don’t have to

I used to be in charge but then I lead, and now I walk alongside 

I used to hate meal clean-up but then I liked my kitchen, and now it’s just part of me

I used to crave knowledge but then I acquired discovery, and now I pray for wonder 

 

I still have quite a bit of mountain left to climb, but looking back on the trail I’ve already trekked, I am heartened. I can do this. Bring it on!

 

Photo by Pixabay

 

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